Episode 25 - Pull Back or Lean In?; Be Vulnerable; The Line; Swearing Professor McGonagall

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Topic of Discussion

In this episode, we ask: do you pull back or lean in when you and a friend hit a rough patch? 

For me, whether or not I lean into a friendship depends on the length of the relationship. With my longer-standing friendships, I will always lean in because it’s going to be far more work to do the inner and outer work of breaking up with a friend and making a new, close friend, than it is to do the work within my current friendship and try to grow within it. Plus, within those friendships, I care about those people deeply! So leaning in makes sense to me. 

With newer friends, it really depends on the friendship. If I feel like there’s a possibility for a deep connection, then I’ll lean in. But if it seems like the relationship is maybe better off staying on the acquaintance level. Closeness is also an important factor here; you may have been friends with someone for ten years, but if you never had a very close or consistent friendship, then maybe it doesn’t make sense to lean in. 

Lueda brought up a great point about “leveling up” within a friendship. When you lean in, discuss and work through the rough patch you’re experiencing with a friend, often you arrive at a new place in the friendship, where new boundaries have been established (or removed) and you both have a deeper understanding of one another. That can be incredibly connecting and meaningful if you both choose to lean in. 

The key here is that you both choose to lean in. If, like in The Hills, you find yourself in a friendship with a person like Heidi, then you can only do so much leaning in before you realize your energies will be better exerted within other friendships. This is sometimes sad, but we cannot control other people. 

FYI, we don’t recommend talking to your friends this way...but if you’re in the thick of a hard conversation sometimes this is how it comes out!

With this part of friendship, it’s a constant flow. Like I said in the episode, friendship is like a beach and you and your friend are like the waves. The friendship is constantly shaped and shifting depending on the waves. And the waves lean in and pull out a regular basis -- that’s balance! But if you’re constantly pulling back, then the friendship will turn into a dry wasteland. And if you lean in too much, then the friendship will turn into a flooded swamp. Finding that balance and recognizing that you both have to contribute to the friendship is key.

Have something you’d like to add to the conversation? We’d love to hear it! Send it to us at areyoutwostillfriends@gmail.com 

Friendship Tip

In this episode, we share the friendship tip to be vulnerable. 

It would seem that this would be easy to do when you’re long-distance with your friend, but that’s not always the case! Being vulnerable needs to happen no matter the situation of your friendship (of course, only within loving, mutual friendships!). It’s only by being vulnerable with your friend that you will experience a deep, meaningful connection with your friend. 

Beware of minimizing your own problems! Often when we’re prompted to be vulnerable and express the hardships we’re facing in our life, it can be easy to minimize our own problems, framing them in relation to other, seemingly worse situations. But your issues and problems are big for you. So don’t let how small they may seem to others prevent you from opening up and sharing with your friend. 

What questions are we pondering this week? 

Alexis: How can I keep doing the crossword each week when I move?

Every week I get a crossword in a local newspaper and I absolutely love it. It’s not too hard, not too easy; it comes once a week; it’s been a very relaxing and enjoyable aspect of my weekly routine. I’m not a fan of the NYT crossword and I don’t want to use crossword books, as those don’t limit my time as this weekly crossword puzzle does. I also really use this time to be off my phone, so having a paper version is important to me. 

Have a suggestion for me? Send it over to areyoutwostillfriends@gmail.com!

What content are we consuming this week? 

Lueda: The Line

The podcast Lueda almost didn’t share! Luckily for us, she did. This podcast follows the story of Navy SEAL Eddie Gallagher who was tried on several war crimes and acquitted on most accounts. As someone who deeply respects the military, Lueda found this podcast fascinating. This podcast was very well produced, so it made Lueda question it even more and want to know even more. 

What’s something uplifting we’d like to share with others?

Alexis: Chanel Williams as Professor McGonagall Swearing videos

This account on Instagram (@chanwills) is all about Harry Potter and Chanel does an amazing job as Professor McGonagall! The three videos she’s put out (at the time of this writing) are hilarious and I’ve watched them on repeat. Any time I’m needing a little boost or a laugh, I watch these videos. You can find them in her Reels on her account.

What’s something that’s sparked passion in us recently?  

Lueda: Booking a Trip! 

Lueda has booked her second trip for the year and she’s feeling so excited about returning to a state of “normal.” As Lueda points out on the podcast, she needs something to look forward to; so even though she has a trip with me in December, she’s still excited and it’s getting her through the tough days. Booking these trips reminded Lueda how passionate she is about travel and exploring new places. She’s looking forward to leaning into that passion more as the world starts opening up again.

In friendship,

Alexis & Lueda