Episode 26 - Circles of Friends; Set Realistic Expectations; Creativity; Home Improvement
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Topic of Discussion
In this episode, we discussed Circles of Friends.
This is a concept I’ve been thinking about for a while and have heard about in several different places. If you’re new to it, circles of friends is essentially the idea that you differentiate your relationships based on the level of intimacy. As Lueda shared, it can be helpful to imagine the Target logo for this; in the middle are your best friends, your ride or die homies that always have your back and with whom you feel the closest. In the second circle (radiating outward) you have good friends, the people you enjoy spending time with but maybe don’t share all aspects of your life with. In the third circle, you have acquaintances, people you like, but are maybe not very close with. There can be more circles if that feels right for you, but this is the general framework.
So why would applying this concept to your friendships be helpful? As Lueda pointed out in the episode, it can help take the pressure off your relationships. Understanding the nature of the relationships with your friends can help you know who to go to for various needs. It can also help you set appropriate expectations for your friends, based on the level of intimacy within the relationship. Should you expect a friend in the outer rings to drop everything for you when you’re experiencing a crisis? Probably not. Should you expect to only chat with an inner circle friend only once a month? Probably not.
This concept also creates ease around making new friends. People don’t have to hit a “bullseye” the moment you meet them. Instead, they can enter into the outer rings of your circles of friends and eventually move up with time and shared experiences. Developing friendships takes time as does moving people into various circles.
Additionally, consider how many people are in your innermost circle. If there are more than ten (not including any family members), it may be worth it to reconsider how you’re categorizing some of your friendships. According to the evolutionist, Robin Dunbar, a person can only maintain about 150 relationships -- known as “Dunbar’s Number.” In addition, only about 20 people make it into the most innermost relational circles. Again, we’re not trying to tell you how to categorize your friendships; rather, we’re offering some insight that may help you feel more content with the relationships you already have.
Interestingly, Lueda’s innermost circle of friends includes people who she has known for at least ten years (she’s known me the fewest years of her group!) Within my innermost circle of friends, however, ten years is the maximum (my friendship with Lueda); many of my innermost friends I haven’t known as long. I attribute that to moving so much. Lueda and I also don’t include any family members in this categorization, as we feel they deserve their own circles.
Really, this concept isn’t meant to make you categorize your friends or create toxic hierarchies. Instead, it’s meant to help you visualize the friendships you have and create realistic expectations around them.
Have something you’d like to add to the conversation? We’d love to hear it! Send it to us at areyoutwostillfriends@gmail.com
Friendship Tip
In this episode, we shared the friendship tip of set realistic expectations.
In establishing in your mind “circles of friends” you help yourself create realistic expectations around those friendships. Many of us can think of a time where too much was expected of us by a friend and usually we can think of a time when we expected too much of a friend.
Setting unrealistic expectations happens; we do it to ourselves as much as to others. But creating unrealistic expectations for our friends can damage our friendships and even drive friends away! And when we hold unrealistic expectations for those around us, what we’re really doing is creating our own suffering. It’s not up to our friends to live their lives according to our expectations!
All of that said, we’re not saying have no expectations of your friends. When you enter a friendship, you and your friend are agreeing to certain conditions that make up that relationship: communication, respect, vulnerability, etc. So having some expectations within a friendship is good (i.e. if I text you, I’d like for you to text me back!) but make sure to walk the fine line between reasonable and unreasonable when establishing those expectations.
What questions are we pondering this week?
Lueda: How can I tap into being creative?
Inspired by her workaround of not having a toaster but using the oven to toast bread (genius!) Lueda is wondering how she can invite more creativity into her life. For years she has labeled herself as “uncreative.” Yet, she’s a businesswoman and a fantastic coach who finds creative solutions to problems every day! This is a chance for her to redefine creativity and consider some activities that may help her spark even more creativity in her life.
What content are we consuming this week?
Alexis: Home Improvement
I have loved watching this show again! I forgot how much I related to Tim Allen’s character, Tim Taylor, and that delightful sense of nostalgia I get watching this show from the 90s. Plus, I love the humor!
What’s something uplifting we’d like to share with others?
Lueda: Being present is worth it.
We’re living in a time where it’s incredibly easy to not be present. Phones, streaming shows, earbuds and the chatter in our minds are just some of the factors that can keep us from staying in connection with others. But, as Lueda points out, being present is always worth it, even when the experience is painful or difficult. By meeting, greeting and welcoming your experience just as it is, you provide yourself the opportunity to work through it right then and there, and prevent it from coming back with a vengeance later. And, if it’s a pleasant experience, you prevent yourself from missing it.
What’s something that’s sparked passion in us recently?
Alexis: Smoothie Bowls
I recently started making smoothie bowls as my morning meal and I’m in love. It’s a tasty and refreshing way to start and day and there are so many ways to change up the flavor. I mentioned Fit Men Cook did a series of smoothie bowl recipes, based on the Infinity Stones from Marvel’s Avengers films. I’ve only made two of them so far, but they were delicious and I felt the effects of the Infinity Stone power, for sure.
In friendship,
Alexis & Lueda
