Episode 24 - When Friends Don’t Listen; Make A Recommendation & Let Go; In the Shadow of the Valley; Seasons
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Topic of Discussion
In this episode, we discussed how to handle a friend not listening to you.
This is an interesting topic because it can be interpreted in many different ways. When we talk about a friend not listening, it can mean:
They distracted
They don’t like the topic of conversation
They feel stressed and cannot actually hear you
They don’t actually want to listen to you
They’re focusing on something else you’ve said during the conversation and you’ve moved on too quickly for them to process
You’re saying things they don’t want to hear (they’re looking for validation)
It’s a frustrating situation many of us have found ourselves in within our relationships. How can we navigate this issue?
One way is to put language around the attention you’re seeking from your friend. Saying something like, “Hey, can I talk to you about something that’s I’m struggling with right now?” This brings their focus on to you, as you’ve requested it and they have (likely) given their consent to hear what you have to say.
If they’re distracted with a device, it may be helpful to ask them to put the technology away. This can be so hard to get right as it often can come out sounding snarky. But asking with a calm voice and saying something like, “Hey, I feel like you’re really distracted right now and what I’m trying to talk to you about is really important to me. Do you mind putting down your phone until we’re done talking?”
Taking a whole-person approach to this situation (like Lueda does) notice if there are signs that point to something happening in their life that is causing them to be distracted. Maybe they’re extremely stressed with work or their family; maybe there is family drama; maybe they just received news about a medical condition and they haven’t told anyone yet. Showing your friend some grace can help lessen the sting of them not listening to you and help you be there for your friend who may really need your support.
Sometimes people are incredibly deep thinkers, which means they need more time to process information. This is the case with my husband; I’ve discovered I can’t ask him a question, expect a quick response and be able to ask him a different question within the span of a minute. Instead, I need to slow down and allow him time to think through the question and come up with a response. This is a great lesson for me to be more thoughtful and intentional myself!
One of the hardest forms of a friend not listening to you (according to me) is when they come to your for advice and then ignore your advice. The key here is they come to you for advice not you offer unsolicited advice. If you’re offering unsolicited advice and your friend doesn’t listen to you, that’s on you. However, it can be frustrating and hurtful when a friend specifically asks you for advice and then seemingly ignores it. It’s important to remember that people are often seeking validation or vindication...so even if they’re asking for advice, that may not be what they’re really seeking.
It’s also helpful to keep in mind that no one likes to be told, “I told you so.” This centering thought can remind you that we’re all stubborn humans trying our best to live our lives to their fullest expressions. In the midst of that, we will make mistakes and ignore the advice we should take. It happens. When it does, it’s important to consider how we’d like others to respond to us in those situations -- usually with kindness, grace, forgiveness and levity. Put out what you’d like to take in.
Additionally, if you have a friend that repeatedly comes to you for “advice” (read: validation, not actual advice) then remind yourself this is a pattern of behavior from your friend and put less energy into offering them feedback or advice! The response, “I don’t know” is always valid because it’s not actually your job to solve their problems. The less time and energy you spend offering advice to someone who has a track record of not following your advice, the less frustrated and upset you’re likely to be!
If you find yourself in a situation where you think you’re being asked for advice, but you’re not sure, ask the question, “Are you asking me for my opinion?” Check out Episode 5 when we discussed Listening versus Fixing. This is very helpful!
Have something you’d like to add to the conversation? We’d love to hear it! Send it to us at areyoutwostillfriends@gmail.com
Friendship Tip
In this episode, we shared the friendship tip of make a recommendation and let it go.
In case you didn’t pick up on our not-so-subtle hint: this friendship tip pairs perfectly with today’s discussion topic. If you can make a recommendation and let go of the outcome, then you’ll experience less metaphorical heartburn and feel more joy within your friendships.
We believe, as friends, it truly is our job at times to offer recommendations -- that’s part of friendship! This allows for the recommendation you made to percolate in your friends’ mind, too.
What questions are we pondering this week?
Lueda: What does loving myself look like?
Lueda is in the process of creating lists and tangible examples of what it means to love herself. Knowing that she’s very easily influenced by others, Lueda is trying to understand what she needs, which may be different from what other people think is what she needs. She’s looking at what does it mean to share meaningful “yeses” and well-placed “nos” so she can better nourish and care for herself.
What content are we consuming this week?
Alexis: In the Shadow of the Valley by Bobi Conn
I got this title from the Amazon Prime First Reads and it is a fascinating read. Featuring the childhood of the author, readers are pulled into life in rural Appalachian life in Kentucky. Mental illness, trauma, violence and drug abuse color life here. It’s a book that I haven’t put down and I really love the format of it.
What’s something uplifting we’d like to share with others?
Lueda: Seasons
Lueda has been thinking about seasons because they offer her a reminder: there’s a beginning, middle and an end! Every season lasts for a certain period, but something else will come along after that. This has helped her process all that she experienced over the last year and a half and come to terms with some of it.
Lueda mentions in the podcast her favorite Christmas song -- Seasons by Hillsong. One lyric she loves is:
Though the winter is long,
The richer the harvest it brings.
What’s something that’s sparked passion in us recently?
Alexis: Axe Throwing
For my husband’s 30th birthday, we went to Tokyo with a bunch of friends and threw axes, ninja stars and throwing knives. It was a ton of fun -- something I highly recommend everyone try! This sparked a passion in me to remember to lean into joy and silliness and fun!
In friendship,
Alexis & Lueda
