Episode 21 - Bridging the Gap of Rightness; Resist the Urge; Parks and Recreation; Random Texts of Love
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Topic of Discussion
In this episode, we discussed the question from one of our patrons, how do we bridge the gap when you both think you’re right? (Who gets to be right?)
What a tough question! All of us want to be right, right? Within friendships, it’s hard at times to let go of being right. But if the rest of this post is TL;DR, then I’ll sum all of it up with one question:
Do you want to have friends, or do you want to be right?
As Lueda and I discussed, within friendships, being right shouldn’t be of the utmost importance to you. In fact, it’s crucial to broaden your perspective of “right” because the truth is, two people can be right about something at the same time, but that definition of “right” can be different for both friends. If you’re acting according to your core values, then it’s likely you’ll be “right” in many situations. But if your friend is also acting according to their core values, then it’s likely they, too, will be “right” in many situations.
In thinking about bridging the gap, one strategy is to consider marking some topics within a friendship as “off-limits.” We discussed this in Episode 6 and we believe this doesn’t damage the friendship; in fact, we think it can strengthen the friendship when you can respectfully disagree with a friend and not draw them into arguments over topics that ultimately, probably don’t matter within the friendship. Notice when it’s simply not worth it to dive into a heated discussion or disagreement….especially when your motive is to prove to your friend that you’re right.
If you find yourself needing to be right, that’s an invitation for you to do some introspection. Why do I need to be right? What’s the motive here? Beyond just getting to be “right”, what do I get from this? It’s a great opportunity to see where you can grow and possibly transform some of your own behavior within your friendships. This personal work is important if you want to be a good friend.
When you think about bridging the gap, don’t forget to compromise! Sometimes, if you both think you’re right and there’s something tangible that needs to be solved within the friendship (exchange of money or goods; behavior; decisions to be made) sometimes it makes the most sense for you both to meet each other halfway. It’s like Chief Hopper says in season two of Stranger Things, “It means half-happy.” Keep in mind that the compromise is often a conversation with you and your friend; get creative and put the best of intentions behind it!
Here’s the clip I referenced in the show:
I mentioned in the show, too, that when I caught myself in a recent moment of trying to beat my “rightness” into someone else, that I was able to identify that I didn’t want to pour my energy into that. I realized with a breath of clarity that I wanted to have a pleasant rest of my day, so proving I was right to someone else wasn’t going to be a good use of my energy that would allow me to have an easeful day. There’s power in framing your choices around your energy levels! A way to think about that in the various situations of your life is:
Is this the hill you want to die on?
Check out the TED Talk Lueda recommended about being right and wrong:
Have something you’d like to add to the conversation? We’d love to hear it! Send it to us at areyoutwostillfriends@gmail.com
Friendship Tip
In this episode, we share the friendship tip to resist the urge.
Oftentimes within friendships, we’ll discover a friend is going through a rough time: Loss of a job, loss of a loved one, a divorce, a breakup, an injury or illness...the list goes on. Often, our natural inclination is to ask about it, try to help fix it or simply to keep abreast of that situation with your friend. After all, you care about them! But there are times when a friend’s behavior (not bringing up the topic; quickly changing the subject when you do) or their direct communication (“I really don’t want to talk about this”) will indicate to you that it’s actually better if you don’t press the subject.
Part of being a trusted friend is allowing your friend to bring to you what they feel you can safely hold. What that is, however, is not for you to decide! This is hard, especially when we truly love and care about our friends and want well for them. Lueda is struggling with the question, “But how are you really?” It feels as though it’s a demand, rather than an invitation to share what’s going on. It also signals to Lueda that you don’t think she’s being honest with you about her situation. I think there’s a time and a place for that question (as I have to ask some of my close friends that in order to get a straight answer) but it’s crucial to know your friends and ones that’s an appropriate question for.
Lueda and I agree that part of being a really good friend is allowing your friend to have a “safe space” with you. If that means they know they can come to you with problems, that’s great. If that means they know they can come to you and not talk about what everyone else in their life is pestering them about, that’s great, too.
What questions are we pondering this week?
Alexis: How can I disagree from a place of logic, rather than defensiveness?
I’ve recently listened to a couple of episodes of Brene Brown’s podcast, Unlocking Us, and there were two episodes in particular where I didn’t agree with some of the ideas or arguments that were being presented. Both with Dr. Ibram X. Kendi and Austin Channing Brown, I felt myself getting defensive in my disagreement. Thus, I started to wonder: am I disagreeing with them because I feel defensive? Or am I disagreeing with them because I don’t see the logic or reason within their statements?
In a very divisive world where many of us are being asked to change in one way or another, this question has helped me be very precise about my reasons for disagreement and the areas where I can grow.
What content are we consuming this week?
Lueda: Parks and Recreation
An old favorite of Lueda’s, she’s back watching it because she got a new Internet provider and now has access to it through some of the perks for signing up with her provider. This is providing levity and fun in her life and she’s thoroughly enjoying it!
Here’s how Lueda thinks she’ll respond to being proposed to:
I personally love the show as well and I feel that I have married a Ron Swanson (Lueda agrees). If you want to get a sense of what my husband is like, check out this clip:
What’s something uplifting we’d like to share with others?
Alexis: Random texts from my brother
My brother randomly texted me the other morning to let me know how much he loves and appreciates our relationship. It completely made my morning and reminded me that when other people pop into my mind, I should do the same! I know how positively it impacted my day, so why wouldn’t I want to share that little pop of joy with others?
What’s something that’s sparked passion in us recently?
Lueda: Moving
Lueda is getting a fresh start in a new apartment that really feels like “her” and it brought into perspective much of the last year. She’s cultivated a really great friendship with her parents as an adult; she’s learned that she wants to put time and energy into the home in which she lives; she knows how important loving her work is; she wants to only take things into her new place that she really loves.
We talked about the podcast Happier with Gretchen Rubin and how moving can often be a great way to start a new habit or create a new set of behaviors because you have the ultimate “clean slate.”
In friendship,
Alexis & Lueda
