Episode 18 - Who Says Sorry First; Positive Self-Talk; Madame Secretary; You’ve Got A Friend In Me
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Topic of Discussion
In this episode, we discussed what to do when there’s a massive falling out between friends -- who should say sorry first?
Before getting deeper into this conversation, we can simplify this entire problem with a question:
Do you want to be right, or do you want to have friends?
In any situation where there is a falling out, each party has contributed to that falling out in some way. Many of us feel as though saying sorry should be the job of the other person; the one who wronged you. But being a mature, loving friend means saying sorry for your role in the falling out first and doing your best to try to mend the friendship.
Now, don’t read what we’re not saying: we’re not suggesting you say sorry for actions that aren’t your responsibility.
We lean heavily on the two episodes from Brene Brown’s podcast Unlocking Us where she discusses apologizing with the expert on saying sorry, Harriet Learner. One of the important aspects of an apology is that it needs to be meaningful and authentic. If you’re just apologizing for everything that happened leading up to the fallout with your friend, including things you didn’t do or aren’t responsible for, then your apology really won’t have much meaning behind it. And avoiding over apologizing (i.e. saying sorry over and over again quickly or bulldozing your friend with sorry’s throughout the conversation) will also help ensure that your apology lands. Not apologizing for things that aren’t yours helps you be better about not taking more responsibility than is appropriate in any given situation -- like we talked about in Episode 17.
In making an apology for your role in the falling out, we believe it’s critical to include the I/I’m pronoun in your apology. “Sorry” by itself sounds flippant and casual; it’s good for when you accidentally bump into someone, not great for when you’ve deeply hurt their feelings. Keeping the I pronoun in the apology brings it back to you and forces your ego to reckon with your role in the situation. This makes it clear how you feel in a situation where tensions and emotions may be running high.
Another important part of apologizing to your friend is not apologizing for what you think you did to the other person. Instead, it’s about apologizing for your role, your actions. Unless your friend has given you the language already (you made me feel horrible), don’t use an apology to assume how your actions made them feel. Instead, acknowledge your behavior by keeping your apology focused on your side of things. It’s so easy to turn an apology on to your friend! So keep an eye out for that insidious side of apologizing.
If you’re not sure what to apologize for -- ask questions! We talk about asking questions in Episode 8 as a way to get to know your friend. But asking questions can also help you better understand someone you already know and offer clarity in tough situations like a falling out. Really listen to what your friend has to share -- as hard as that can be -- and be willing to apologize if you have wronged them in some manner. In addition, notice if you start to get defensive during these conversations. Communicate with your friend what’s happening (you’re getting defensive) but reassure them you want to continue the conversation at another time when your defenses are down.
If you’re like me, it’s news to you that you can actually work out these issues over several conversations. Taking time to cool off, to ponder what has been said, to introspect...all of that is totally okay. Communicating that to your friend and letting them know you’re sincerely interested in working things out will be a boon for you in the long run.
Notice, too, when you’ve taken all the steps you can to mend the friendship and your friend isn’t receptive to this work. That may be a moment when you step back from the friendship and let it go. As hard as that may be, it’s sometimes it has to be what happens. This goes both ways, too, whether you’re the one trying to do the mending or your friend is trying to mend the falling out. Staying in unhealthy relationships isn’t the solution!
Have you said “sorry” first? Have you had a falling out with a friend? How did it turn out? Tell us about it at areyoutwostillfriends@gmail.com.
Friendship Tip
In this episode, we share the friendship tip of talk to yourself the way you talk to your friends.
Negative self-talk: we’ve all done it. It’s amazing how easily negative self-talk comes to us. I wanted to share this tip (the Queen of negative self-talk) to encourage you to use the language with yourself that you use with your most beloved friend! Remember, you are your first friend. It’s crucial that you love and care for your first friend the way you talk to other friends. Doing this will reduce your suffering and allow you to live a more joy-filled life.
Give this tip a try! The next time you notice yourself talking negatively to yourself, imagine saying those same exact things to your best friend. Yikes!
What questions are we pondering this week?
Alexis: How can I be fearless with my feelings?
In the midst of so much change happening in my personal life, I’m trying to be fearless in allowing my feelings to arise no matter what they are. And, staying connected to my True Self -- the part of me that’s untouched by my experiences and at peace. Two things that have been helpful in recognizing my feelings and welcoming them in:
Taking deep breaths and going for a walk with Josie.
What content are we consuming this week?
Lueda: Madame Secretary
Lueda is on her fourth watch of this show and she’s absolutely loving it. She’s learned not only how much the Secretary of State does for our country, but also how a healthy marriage can be portrayed in pop culture. We don’t always see marriages working out for the better in TV shows that are realistic. This show portrays a strong marriage that has its problems, but they still manage to work things out because they’re committed to one another.
What’s something uplifting we’d like to share with others?
Alexis: You’ve Got A Friend In Me by Randy Newman
This song popped into my mind and I remembered how much I love it! I’ve been listening to it a lot lately. My favorite lyrics:
When the road looks,
Rough ahead,
And you’re miles and miles,
From your nice warm bed,
You just remember what you’re old pal said,
You’ve got a friend in me.
Could you tell I was tearing up while recording this part of the podcast? Check out the full song here:
I danced to this song by Michael Buble at my wedding with my mom’s husband. It was very touching and the song is beautiful:
What’s something that’s sparked passion in us recently?
Lueda: Being interviewed by a high schooler for Project Management
What a gift! Lueda had the chance to speak with a high schooler who practiced interviewing for a job and had an interest in project management. Not only did this high schooler hit it out of the park, but it reminded Lueda the importance of mentorship.
In friendship,
Alexis & Lueda
