Episode 17 - Breaking Up With Friends; Assume Good Intentions; Mr. Robot; You Don’t Have to Carry Everything

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Topic of Discussion

In this episode, we discussed a question from our patron, Rory: What to do when you don’t want to be friends with someone anymore?

While this isn’t a situation Leuda or I regularly find ourselves in. How to proceed really depends on the circumstances of the situation. Sometimes, the relationship merits a conversation over wanting to break up; other times, natural breaks occur that don’t necessarily need a deeper conversation.

When pondering if you don’t want to be friends with someone anymore, think about any red flags that may have popped up in your relationship. Some examples of red flags can include;

Regular breaking of commitments
Insensitive or disrespectful behavior toward you
Behavior that you know you don’t want to be involved in
Feeling overwhelmed, icky, paranoid or worried after hanging out
Questioning why you’re friends with this person
Feeling as though you stopped being yourself around this person

The list can go on, and you will know what red flags look like to you. Before breaking up with a friend, make sure to consider if there are any red flags present, or if you need to do some introspection first. Keep in mind that the red flags are the starting point to the language you can use to break up with a friend. Those are the launching points that can help you put respectful but firm language around why you don’t want to be in relationship with someone anymore.

As we talked about in episode 9, there are sometimes people you are friends with for a season, a reason or a lifetime. There are friends you have only in certain circumstances (like club soccer) and that’s totally fine. Sometimes, natural breaks happen within those friendships if you move, change schools, stop participating in an activity or grow older.

But, as we spoke to in this episode, sometimes you discover you’re in a relationship with a friend who you come to realize you don’t want to be in a relationship! There are two that come to mind for me, where I didn’t break up with them in a mature way. With one person, I had an angry conversation with them over the phone and firmly broke off the relationship with them. With another friend, I ended up just ghosting them after they blew me off for the umpteenth time. I don’t particularly love how I handled either of these situations. Lueda points out that sometimes, ghosting is the best way to end a friendship -- especially if it’s a toxic friendship. Sometimes, it can be so draining to try to end things in person or try to mend the relationship; it can be better to simply walk away and leave things to lie as they are. Peace can be found in non-action in these situations.

If you find yourself feeling like you need to break up with a friend, consider the following:

How does your relationship with them make you feel?
Are you able to have a hard conversation with them with love?
Have you assumed the best of intentions of the actions of this friend?
Have you vocalized what you like/dislike within the friendship?

We also talked about creating a slow stand-down of the friendship by becoming slowly less involved with them. Stop inviting them to activities, stop accepting invites from them. This can be a tactic to allow your actions to speak for how you want to be (or, really, not be) in the relationship. You can do this respectfully, too!

We also discussed changing your perspective around your friend. Are you wanting too much from your friend? Are you putting unrealistic expectations on your friend? Can you reframe your perspective of your friendship? Perhaps instead of viewing them as a “best friend” or someone you always invite to events, can you instead view them in a context where there is little to no conflict, where the relationship feels easier? Perhaps you stop seeing your racquetball partner as your best friend and instead leave that friendship strictly to when you see them on the courts. Again, you can create boundaries and reframe the friendship respectfully -- even quietly -- and still be able to maintain that person as a friend.

Remember, it’s important to try to break up with your friend in a respectful way, but you are in no way beholden to them, should they not take it well and be able to be in connection and communicate appropriately with you. Walking away is okay.

Have you broken up with a friend? How did it go? Do you have any tips to share with us or our followers? Tell us about it at areyoutwostillfriends@gmail.com.

Friendship Tip

In this episode, we discussed the friendship tip of assume good intentions.

This tip pairs well with our discussion topic, as it can help you avoid reaching the point of wanting to break up with a friend. Some of the most powerful stories are the ones we tell ourselves. In that spirit, it’s important to remember that oftentimes, our friends do things (or even don’t do things) with the best of intentions. If we are in relatively healthy relationships, most of the time, our friends are not going to take malicious action against us.

Keep in mind: this isn’t a tip that advocates excusing bad behavior.

It’s important to distinguish consistent hurtful behavior from accidents, one-off situations or out-of-character actions from a friend. In the latter, you can assume that your friend had the best of intentions here, and, as I argue, you can even assume they weren’t even thinking of you. This isn’t to say they don’t care about you, but as humans, we have a penchant for thinking of number one and putting on blinders to the world around us. Sometimes, our friends don’t even consider how their actions would impact us and they don’t do that on purpose; it just happens.

Lueda makes a great point about assuming good intentions: it only serves you! It allows you to move through life without causing your own suffering. It serves you better to assume your friend wants good things for you! This creates space for grace to flood into the relationship. Grace allows us to acknowledge we’re all humans on this planet trying to do our best.

Remember: don’t you want your friends to assume the best of intentions from you?

What questions are we pondering this week?

Lueda: What’s mine to carry?

An important question in a world where we often receive a lot of messaging about what we should care about and where we should put our energy. This is also key when talking with friends and they share with you their problems; notice, are these problems yours? Is this yours to carry? Or yours to simply be aware of in the spirit of holding space for your friend? Take time to understand what torches are yours to carry and to care about.

Think about it this way: how many tools are in your backpack? And how many rocks are in your backpack?

What content are we consuming this week?

Alexis: Mr. Robot

It’s an intense drama. It’s about a cyber hacker moving through the world who is trying to right and good for others. The show is fascinating and gripping. This show is my husband’s pick and I’m trying my best to stick it out. The last three shows he picked -- House of Cards, Peaky Blinders and Game of Thrones -- I couldn’t keep watching after a season or two (or in the case of GOT, 20 minutes into the first episode). I’m hoping to stick out this show!

What’s something uplifting we’d like to share with others?

Lueda: You don’t have to carry everything.

In line with the question Lueda is pondering, this uplifting reminder provides you the freedom to live your life according to your values and not feel overwhelmed by the world’s problems. Not every issue is yours to carry; not every hurt is yours to fix; not every person is yours to befriend or care for. Notice what you’re being called to and lead to; notice is what’s actually in your sphere of influence; notice how it feels to give yourself permission to live your life according to your values and not carry everything in the world!

I talk about when we experience the freedom of this knowledge, we often want to share it with others and how this is demonstrated in the movie Yes Man. If you haven’t seen it, here’s a clip:

What’s something that’s sparked passion in us recently?

Alexis: Travel

My time is winding down in Japan (I promise I will stop talking about it soon!) and I’m feeling so passionate about traveling through this country and exploring everything I possibly can before I leave. I just went on a trip to Okinawa and Kyushu (the southern part of Japan). Both areas are amazing and allowed me to experience even more interesting aspects of Japanese culture. I love getting to explore new places, eat the local food, and spend time outside of the humdrum of daily life. If you’re interested, check out a couple of my photos from the trip: